Friday, 25 July 2014

The Savage Hawkman, Volume 2: Wanted Review (Rob Liefeld, Joe Bennett)

There’s a lot I don’t understand about Savage Hawkman, Volume 2: Wanted. How it got to a volume 2, for example - who was reading this drek up ‘til #20? I don’t understand how Carter Hall, or Katar Hol which sounds like a Middle-Eastern airline, goes from wearing like a suit in one panel to suddenly wearing green trousers and no top, ready for the Nth metal armour to surround him in the next. 

I don’t understand how I was able to read half of this book before I realised it wasn’t worth it and began skimming the rest of it and, yup, could still follow what was happening by looking at the awful art and reading the occasional sentence. I don’t understand why Green Arrow or Deathstroke teamed up with this loser - I guess because losers stick together? I don’t understand why an archaeologist would need to stash clothes and things in hidey-holes because people are after him - he’s an ARCHAEOLOGIST not a fucking mob enforcer! 

Grr… so in the first book (which also sucked) he wanted to get rid of the Nth metal and this time around he kinda likes it, and he won’t stop telling you that other people want it. Every fucking issue in this unbearably long 13 issue weak book opens with Hawkman monologuing about people wanting his fucking Nth metal and how it works, what he’s been up to, oh my god. 

I read all of the Liefeld issues and can say definitively that he is a worse writer than he is an artist - and if you’ve seen his Captain America, you’ll know just how low that is. Most of Hawkman’s lines are made up of cliches: “Stretch my wings and fly”, “Those who can not learn from history are doomed to repeat it”, “Patience is a virtue”, “I am done playing your games”, “The moment of truth”, “I thought our love would last for an eternity. A wave of emotions washes over me.”. 

In other instances, the dialogue just doesn’t make any sense: “A sixty story drop would splatter you all over the pavement. You’ll need some sort of cushion to survive a fall that steep”. First of all, it’s storey not story, so good job, DC editors! But what the fuck kind of line is that? Some sort of cushion? Like, a cushion? Yeah, THAT’S what you need when dropping sixty “stories” (it’s actually “storeys”, but I’m sure the other one would’ve made it past DC’s illiterate editors). 

Here’s some other gems by Liefeld: “A hawk is a bird of prey. A hawk hunts and kills in order to survive. Hawks are not hunted. They’re the hunters!”. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuh! 

On Rome: “Don’t be fooled by its rich mix of high culture, art and fashion, though. Rome has its share of scandals and secrets.” Jesus Christ, who the fuck does he think is reading this comic - aliens?! 

On religious zealots: “They usually twist their opponents words from what they are actually saying to the ‘truth’ they wish their opponent had actually said.” And the Hawkie for stating the fucking obvious goes to… Rob Liefeld! 

By far the most jaw-dropping writing came when Liefeld actually describes what a mercenary is. Now - no cheating! - hands up who doesn’t know what a mercenary is? Exactly - NOFUCKINGONE! But, I shit you not, this is word for word what is on the page:

“A mercenary can be defined as a soldier who fights for money rather than a cause. He is motivated by personal gain. His loyalty lies with whoever is issuing his paycheck. From ancient battles to wars ripped from today’s headlines, mercenaries have been employed for battle. Genghis Khan even used them during his sweep across the globe in the 1200’s. History has shown how successful their use can be in settling conflicts. Skilled and experienced, bottom line is mercenaries are stone cold killers... ”

Wow. Just wow. Liefeld must think his audience is thicker than he is. Well… I think I must be for even attempting to read this. But still. Wow. I guess he just resorted to copy and pasting from Wikipedia to fill up the pages?

Liefeld’s plotting is also pitiful. He uses explosions as scene transitions (he IS the comic book Michael Bay) and the issues always end with Hawkman scooping up Emma - a woman who’s only there for gratuitous butt shots - and flying off. Emma by the way is a fellow academic who becomes a crack shot in a handful of pages. It’s so lame and predictable. But that’s Liefeld - he’s stuck in the ‘90s and he’s still making ‘90s comics with lame characters like Xerxes (who?), Pike (who has a flirty bike), and St Bastion - yes, THE St Bastion. No I don’t know who the fuck he is either, but he’s a fucking moron and I hate him. 

Oh, and Carter Hall - Hawkman - spends the first half of the book trying to figure out where the Nth metal originated from and then suddenly he knows at the halfway mark and he’s like “I’m Katar Hol from Thanagar. It was fun being Carter Hall for a while…” - whaaaat?! Was he just faking it the first half - why?! Why travel everywhere with Emma the butt bot trying to figure it out if you already knew!? 

The book ends - I’d normally say SPOILERS but who the fuck cares? - with Hawkman arbitrarily joining the lamest “super” team in the New 52, the Justice League of America. Vibe is a member. No, he’s not a marital aid. I fucking hate him too. 

I couldn’t tell what there was more of - murders Hawkman committed or bird puns. 

I don’t know why I did this. I feel like that guy in the first few minutes of The Sixth Sense who’s in his underpants, sobbing, out of his mind with a gun. 

I think I’m gonna smear “Hawkman made me do it” in blood and shit on my chest and run out into traffic. What’s that? I can read good comics now? Oh, I guess I’ll live then. The promise of Charles Soule and Javier Pulido’s She-Hulk will keep me going. 

Hawkman’s currently fucking things up in Future’s End, a series I refuse to read because Hawkman. Rob Liefeld is building a time machine to take him back to 1992 when he was king and everyone loved his comics. 

I’ll see you both in hell, muthafuckas!!

The Savage Hawkman Volume 2: Wanted

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