Batman: Dark Patterns Review (Dan Watters, Hayden Sherman)

Batman: Dark Patterns is 12 issues of the dumbest Batman comics you’ll ever read.

It’s made up of four 3 issue story arcs, loosely connected to no effect, each increasingly stupid and more pointless.

Batman, Volume 1: Daylight Review (Matt Fraction, Jorge Jimenez)

In a weird tag-team move, Matt Fraction has taken over Batman from his Sex Criminals co-creator/artist Chip Zdarsky, so both the artist and writer of Sex Crimz have written Batman runs one after the other! What’s that aboot!?

Absolute Superman, Volume 2: Son of the Demon Review (Jason Aaron, Rafa Sandoval)

Ra’s Al-Ghul’s Lazarus Corp is using its Peacemaker army to do bad things because it’s an evil corporation. Superman and the down home gosh darn salt of the earth folk of Smallville stand in its way. Superman’s also invincible and can do anything so whichever side he’s on is gonna be the winning one. Bored yet? You will be.

Absolute Batman, Volume 2: Abomination Review (Scott Snyder, Nick Dragotta)

Batman’s pal Matches Malone tells him about a black site called Ark M where a mysterious company called JK run by a man in white (gee I wonder who that could be) is conducting evil and highly illegal Dr Moreau-style experiments on people. As Batman investigates, he encounters his most lethal foe yet: Baaaaaane!

Batman: Night Cries Review (Archie Goodwin, Scott Hampton)

Someone is killing child molesters in Gotham - and, according to one of the child victims, it’s Batman! Has everything the Dark Knight’s seen finally tipped him over the edge into becoming a murdering vigilante?

Absolute Flash, Volume 1: Of Two Worlds Review (Jeff Lemire, Nick Robles)

Flash might be my least favourite superhero. I’ve never read a good Flash comic and the character itself is so dated. He runs fast and can travel through time/across dimensions. So what - so do numerous other (better) characters. He looks like a parody of a superhero. His rogues gallery stinks: a psychic gorilla, a guy with an ice gun and a guy with a boomerang? THEY seem like parodies of supervillains! Flash has always been bad and yet DC keeps trying to make people care about this antiquated, feeble superhero.

Absolute Green Lantern, Volume 1: Without Fear Review (Al Ewing, Jahnoy Lindsay)

An alien ship arrives above the small town of Evergreen, covering it in a green energy dome, stopping anyone from going in or out of the town. A god-like alien calling itself The Abin Sur descends to pass judgment upon the townspeople - which include friends Hal Jordan, John Stewart, Jo Mullein, and Guy Gardner. What does judgment entail? To be Without Fear.

Absolute Martian Manhunter Volume 1: Martian Vision Review (Deniz Camp, Javier Rodriguez)

FBI Agent John Jones is caught in an explosion which somehow leads to him having a martian’s voice in his brain - as you do. Is it real or is he nuts? Well it’s pretty fucking obvious what the answer is. Exciting. Then people start randomly doing horribly destructive things, that John and the martian try to stop - and then the comic just becomes this, over and over. It’s quite tediously repetitive.

Batman: Detective Comics, Volume 1: Gotham Nocturne: Overture Review (Ram V, Rafael Albuquerque)

Some evil magical dude who thinks he owns Gotham is coming to Gotham to take ownership of Gotham with some other evil magical dudes. Guess Batman’s gonna punch some evil magical dudes? Buh huh.

Not all Batman comics are slop but unfortunately quite a few are, including this one.

Absolute Wonder Woman, Volume 1: The Last Amazon Review (Kelly Thompson, Hayden Sherman)

The Absolute books are simply Elseworlds books - familiar characters with a twist set in an alternate universe but still essentially recognisable. Except for Absolute Wonder Woman. This series has so many changes to Wonder Woman that here she is basically an entirely new character - and a worse one at that.

Batman #1 Review (Matt Fraction, Jorge Jimenez)

The main Batman title has been in a creative funk ever since the end of Tom King’s run. James Tynion IV and Chip Zdarsky have both had runs on the series that were terrible and forgettable, so I’m glad DC have hired Matt Fraction, a writer who’s actually written some great comics, to attempt bringing this title back to its former glory.

Absolute Superman, Volume 1: Last Dust of Krypton Review (Jason Aaron, Rafa Sandoval)

It’s a brand new imagining of Superman - get this: an alien boy sent via spaceship from his doomed home planet Krypton to Earth where he’s raised by the kind Kents and discovers he has superpowers. Superman grows up to be a paragon of truth and justice, using his superpowers for good against evil. Wait - “new”? Absolutely not.

Absolute Batman, Volume 1: The Zoo Review (Scott Snyder, Nick Dragotta)

Absolute Batman has been DC’s biggest hit comic of the past year - and I’m not really sure why as it’s quite… meh.

It’s a striking redesign, I’ll give it that. The thinking behind the look seems to be “What if Batman looked like Bane at peak venom usage?” He’s more massive in this series than he’s ever been elsewhere. And he’s got… what are those things on his hands, umbrellas?!

Superman: The Last Days of Lex Luthor Review (Mark Waid, Bryan Hitch)

Lex is dying of something mysterious - can Superman help him find a cure before it’s too late?

Pretty basic premise and obvious from the title. But was it entertaining - could a story of Lex slowly dying and Superman carting him through a round robin of familiar Superman locales be? No and probably no - at least not in Mark Waid’s hands.

Batman: Detective Comics, Volume 1: Mercy of the Father Review (Tom Taylor, Mikel Janin)

Someone’s targeting young offenders straight outta juvie - their corpses found drained of blood! Batman’s gotta solve the case, etc.

Fresh from his success reinvigorating Nightwing, Tom Taylor’s taken over the iconic Detective Comics title for a run that starts underwhelmingly with Mercy of the Father.

Jenny Sparks Review (Tom King, Jeff Spokes)

There was a Justice League piss-take team called The Authority at the end of the ‘90s created by Warren Ellis and Bryan Hitch. Both The Authority and Ellis have been cancelled, in different meanings of the word, since then (Hitch is still knocking around) and one of the founding members of that team was Jenny Sparks, the Spirit of the 20th Century.

Superman: Action Comics: Superstars Volume 1 Review (Jason Aaron, John Timms)

Superman: Action Comics: Superstars: Volume 1: Jesus Can We Can We Get Another Fucking Subtitle In Here Already is a collection of three short stories that I guess filled up space in between the main storylines written by whoever drew the short straw to write this title. “Superstars” is a bit of a misnomer. Jason Aaron, sure, but Gail Simone and Rainbow Rowell? Definitely not - especially with the quality of their contributions to this book.

Batman: Off-World Review (Jason Aaron, Doug Mahnke)

Deep space. A crew’s vessel is alerted to an alien intruder onboard. The alien is tricksy, zips around the spacecraft, picking off its crew one by one. The alien is called… Batman?

Batman, Volume 4: Dark Prisons Review (Chip Zdarsky, Jorge Jimenez)

Batman’s in prison because… And Zur is in Failsafe and he’s Batman because… Then Absolute Poo-er means more robots and Batman’s gotta… Yeah, so Batman the series is in shit shape. Chip Zdarsky’s run has been about as bad, if not worse, than Tynion’s, and DC needs to change things sharpish.

The Bat-Man: First Knight Review (Dan Jurgens, Mike Perkins)

Batman and the blimmin monster men. If I’d known that’s what The Bat-Man: First Knight was, I never would’ve picked it up. Well, in for a penny, etc. so I pushed through once I realised what it was and, yup, this retelling is about as good as the others, ie. gahbage, see?