1872: Warzones! Review (Gerry Duggan, Nik Virella)

Marvel superheroes dress up in 1872 cowboys and injuns cosplay - yee-haw! The corrupt Wilson Fisk rules the frontier town of Timely but a gathering of heroes, led by Sheriff Steve Rogers, are fixin’ to bring justice to the west.

Giant-Size Little Marvel: AvX Review (Skottie Young, Jean-Francois Beaulieu)

The Avengers and the X-Men are kiddie-fied in Giant-Size Little Marvel: AvX, adorably “battling” one another over nothing (like their adult selves more often than not)! Then a pair of twins arrive in the neighbourhood and the Avengers and X-Men have a new thing to fight about: convincing the new kids to join their side over the other! 

Wolverine: Old Man Logan: Warzones! Review (Brian Michael Bendis, Andrea Sorrentino)

Old Man Logan: Warzones is a sequel to Mark Millar and Steve McNiven’s fantastic original Wolverine story as well as a tie-in to Jonathan Hickman’s Secret Wars. Brian Michael Bendis writes this time around with artist Andrea Sorrentino and it’s an ok book, which actually puts it above the majority of the terrible Secret Wars comics! 

Battleworld: Thors Review (Jason Aaron, Chris Sprouse)

The Thors are Doom’s Battleworld police-force made up of every incarnation of Thor from Ultimate Thor to Beta Ray Bill, to Old Thor, Frog Thor, Destroyer Thor and even Groot Thor (“I Am Thor!”). But on a world where multiple versions of the same person can exist, there are many Jane Fosters out there too - and someone is killing them all. The Thors must stop a serial killer who is murdering the same person over and over.

Amazing Spider-Man: Renew Your Vows Review (Dan Slott, Adam Kubert)

In another life… 

Peter and MJ are married with a young daughter, Annie May. But the world they live in is without heroes. Anyone with powers must lie low and society is ruled over by a tyrannical supervillain called Regent, who absorbed all of the heroes’ superpowers. Peter retires Spider-Man and maintains a low profile to keep his family safe from Regent’s attention. But when Regent threatens his family Peter is reminded of his sacred vow: with great power comes great responsibility. Time to renew them, Spidey! 

Warzones: X-Tinction Agenda Review (Marc Guggenheim, Carmine DiGiandomenico)

Bloody hell, X-Tinky Agenda was utter pigslop! Marc Guggenheim’s script is right down there with the Age of Apocalypse Secret Wars tie-in but Carmine di Giandomenico’s art is slightly better. Story? We don’t need no stinkin’ story, not with the X-Men! One group of X-Men are fighting another group of X-Men, yadda yadda poop. I’m so sick of the X-Morons. 

Warzones: E is for Extinction Review (Chris Burnham, Ramos Villalobos)

Grant Morrison’s Batman Incorporated artist Chris Burnham and Dennis Culver write an instantly forgettable miniseries using the same characters from Morrison and Frank Quitely’s 2001 New X-Men series and appropriating their first arc’s title. What happens in a world where the X-Men are accepted? The same thing that always happens in X-Men stories: those dumb fucks split up into factions and fight each other! 

Battleworld: Red Skull Review (Joshua Williamson, Luca Pizzari)

Red Skull was sent over the Shield to die in the wastelands after leading a failed insurrection against Doom. Even though nobody’s seen him since and no-one survives the wastelands for long, Doom wants Crossbones to lead a group of supervillains - there’s half a dozen picked out but only Magneto is relevant - over the Shield to find and bring him Red Skull’s head in a box.

Battleworld: Siege Review (Kieron Gillen, Filipe Andrade)

A lot of the Secret Wars tie-ins riff on well-known/popular past Marvel events/storylines - Age of Apocalypse, Civil War, House of M, Korvac Saga, etc. - but Siege doesn’t really have anything to do with Brian Bendis’ Siege book from nearly 10 years ago. That one was about Norman Osborn’s Dark Avengers battling Thor and co. when Asgard was floating above Oklahoma. This one is about Abigail Brand defending the Shield (a big wall) from waves of monsters who want to kill Doom. 

Warzones: Spider-Island Review (Christos Gage, Paco Diaz)

Spider-Island is the Battleworld realm of the Spider Queen where she’s turned all its denizens into spiders – except for the resistance, led by Agent Venom/Flash Thompson. Venom discovers the heroes’ minds can be severed from the Queen’s if their bodies are transformed and sets about turning everyone he can into different monsters. Meet vampiric Captain Marvel, Lizard Hulk, and the glorious return of Cap Wolf! Elsewhere, Mayday Parker battles brainwashed Avengers to fill up space!

Warzones: 1602 Witch Hunter Angela Review (Marguerite Bennett, Stephanie Hans)

Phew, how do you make a four issue miniseries feel like twenty? Hire Marguerite Bennett, the hack who also co-wrote A-Force, to script it! 

I read Neil Gaiman’s 1602 about ten years ago but I remember it being ok. The concept was putting Marvel characters into Elizabethan roles, similar to the ones they have in the present day. Angela is cast here as a hunter of “witchbreed” (mutants); I haven’t been reading her solo series so I’m not sure, but is that what she does these days - hunt mutants? That’s pretty shitty if it is.

Warzones: A-Force Review (G. Willow Wilson, Jorge Molina)

Oh girl, I’m starting to think G. Willow Wilson’s only quality work is on Ms Marvel - first that Vixen crap at DC, now “A-Force”, a ‘90s-sounding lame superhero team? Though I suppose she only co-wrote this so some of the blame goes to Marguerite Bennett.

Warzones: Weirdworld Review (Jason Aaron, Mike Del Mundo)

Arkon is barbarian warrior. Arkon fight! Arkon look for home – Polemachus. Arkon fight! Arkon lost on Weirdworld. Arkon fight! Arkon not find Polemachus. Arkon fight! 

Battleworld: Ghost Racers Review (Felipe Smith, Juan Gedeon)

On the outskirts of Doomstadt, the capital city of Battleworld, the public enjoys death races featuring the Ghost Riders in the Killiseum! That’s all! Who’s gonna win? Who cares? 

Ghost Racers is the kind of miniseries that would work best not as a miniseries but as a side note in a larger story. If I saw it mentioned in Secret Wars over a couple pages I’d think it was a cool detail but I wouldn’t need to know more about them. You know why? Because these guys just race. Race and fight each other. But they can’t die. No tension, no interest. But you instantly get the concept and, yes, it’s as shallow as it seems. 

Warzones: Age of Apocalypse Review (Fabian Nicieza, Gerardo Sandoval)

Give a brain-damaged octopus a bunch of X-Men action figures and get it to tell you a story with them and it’d probably be more entertaining and make more sense than Age of Apocalypse, both the original and this Secret Wars tie-in! 

Warzones: Future Imperfect Review (Peter David, Greg Land)

An evil Hulk calling himself Maestro rules the Battleworld realm of Dystopia with a green fist – but an underground resistance led by the Thing plans to topple the despot.

I only read a bit of Peter David’s original Future Imperfect because I wasn’t interested enough to keep going. Hulk as a kind of barbarian king with a harem of women and a trophy room always felt like the most obvious and easy version of the character. And while that’s what we get for just under half of this newer Future Imperfect, David does enough in the second half to make this a decent comic. 

Battleworld: Master of Kung Fu Review (Haden Blackman, Dalibor Talajic)

In the mystical and martial arts-obsessed land of K’un Lun, the Emperor of the kingdom is selected through trial by combat in the 13 Chambers which opens every 13 years. Emperor Zheng-Zu’s rule is about to be challenged in a few days as the 13 Chambers opens once more and his estranged son, Shang-Chi, steps up to prove he is the Master of Kung Fu! 

Warzones: Planet Hulk Review (Sam Humphries, Marc Laming)

In the gamma-infected, Hulk-infested part of Battleworld known as (what else?) Greenland, the Red King is causing trouble for Emperor Doom. A gladiator version of Captain America and his Warbound, Devil Dinosaur (a red T-Rex), are dispatched to meet up with a rogue Hulk, Doc Green, to assassinate the Red King and free his hostage and Cap’s bestie, Bucky Barnes, the Winter Soldier. 

Battleworld: Age of Ultron vs. Marvel Zombies Review (James Robinson, Steve Pugh)

Two shit tastes that taste shit together - it’s Age of Ultron vs Marvel Zombies!

On Battleworld there’s a region called Perfection ruled over by the Ultrons and an area called the Deadlands filled with Marvel Zombies. They’re at war because whatever the hell. Enter Hank Pym from 1872 - why 1872? Uh… He’s got to save Jim Hammond, The Vision and Wonder Man’s town of Salvation from these two dingleberry forces somehow. 

Warzones: Armor Wars Review (James Robinson, Marcio Takara)

In the Battleworld realm of Technopolis ruled by Baron Tony Stark, the region’s Thor, James Rhodes, must uncover the mystery of who killed Peter Urich aka Spyder-Man. But is his killer in hiding - or planning more murders?