Wednesday, 5 July 2017

Cave Carson Has a Cybernetic Eye, Volume 1: Going Underground Review (Gerard Way, Jon Rivera)

Hey, did you know Cave Carson has a cybernetic eye? Who fucking cares?! Certainly not me after reading this shit! 

If his abysmal Doom Patrol series didn’t underline it enough for me, Cave Carson has driven home the point that Gerard Way hasn’t the first clue how to write a decent comic. And let’s not forget his co-writer, Jon Rivera. Two Grant Morrison fanboys who desperately wish they were half as talented as him and demonstrably aren’t even close. I mean, this is straight up incompetent storytelling from first page to last. 

The story as I can barely grasp it is: Cave Carson is some kind of scientist who right away has a cybernetic eye. Why did he get the eye? What is the eye and what does it do? Why is it so significant??? UP YOURS. We actually do see him getting the eye later on but it’s confusing because there’s no caption that says “The Past” or something to indicate that scene took place before the current story. Morons! Reading this comic, I felt like John Malkovich in Burn After Reading (what an appropriate title for this trash)!

Cave and his daughter are sorta famous or something and the company Cave works for wants to kill him or something because conspiracy of evil scientists for no reason. Which obviously means going to an underground kingdom full of Muldroogans (underground people? And don’t expect any explanations as to who they are either - nothing is explained here ever) and fighting monsters because…? Cave’s dead wife is also a ghost or hologram, his best mate is a lunatic in a hockey mask and everyone’s running around shooting lasers at each other. This is like Lost in Space written by idiots, for idiots. 

It’s just so horrendously written. I had no idea what was happening nor what the point of anything was - but I knew I hated it. None of it makes sense and no attempt is made to make any sense. Zero skill or talent on display here but you can tell the creators are absolutely in love with themselves - oh, we’re such weird and whacky hipster artistes, so twee! Every single panel on every single page. Loathed the shit out of it. 

Cave Carson Has a Cybernetic Eye is easily one of the worst comics of the year. A complete waste of time - don’t bother.

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