Friday, 10 February 2017

Green Lanterns, Volume 1: Rage Planet Review (Sam Humphries, Robson Rocha)


“RAAAARRRGH! My name is Atrocitus and I’m a monster with a red ring. I leads the Red Lanterns!”
“Ugh, why’re you spitting blood everywhere??” 
“Excuse me but I’m VOMITING blood everywhere and it’s because I’m a Red Lantern – it’s what we do! I want to put a Rage Seed in Earth.”
“You wanna knock up the planet? That sounds stupid.”
“It is. And a penis-like Hell Tower will burrow down into the Earth’s egg, uh, core where the Seed will be placed.”
“Why!?”
“Prophecy.”
“What?”
“There’s a prophecy, dude.”
“I’ve read the New 52 Red Lanterns books and there’s never been talk of some bullshit prophecy.”
“It’s called Red Dawn.”
“That’s even stupider. You know that’s the title of a couple of crap movies, right?”
“Woah, really? Are they about being angry and wanting to impregnate a planet?”
“No, that would be immensely retarded. They do suck though.”
“I’m still going to watch them.”
“Moron. Wait, why Earth exactly?”
“It’s the angriest planet in the universe.”
“And how did you find that out?”
“…”
“Tell me this isn’t the whole book.”
“Hello, I’m Simon Baz!”
“And I’m Jessica Cruz!”
“And together we are the new Green Lanterns!”
“We don’t get along at first but eventually become friends. This is a buddy cop movie, like a superhero version of Lethal Weapon but not as good!”
“Huh. Well, I guess you two do have decent chemistry and aren’t totally annoying. But why do so many Green Lanterns come from Earth?”
“…”
“And I’m a secret Guardian who made a secret super ring – I need to speak to Hal Jordan!”
“Go away, secret Guardian, you’re meant for later books!”
“Ok, I’ll go wait in the wings and order a beer.”
“Hi, I’m Atrocitus and I’ve got some nonsense to spew.”
“I’ll leave you all to it, I don’t need to hear it again.”
“Are you coming back to see what happens in the next book?”
“Yeah, you guys look great!”
“Did he have his fingers in his ears?”
“He was running too. I don’t think he’s gonna come back. Did you just spit blood on my spiffy green outfit??”
“Vomited blood, yes.”
“Why?!”
“I’ve been reading DC Rebirth books. I mean, I’m a Red Lantern, it’s what I do.”
“Do you need medical treatment?”
“Got any Tums?”
“No, but I can construct a green one.”
“Awesome. Ooo, it tastes minty too! So let’s get down to it. There’s this Prophecy called Red Dawn…”
(Both Green Lanterns vomit.)

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