Friday, 12 August 2016

Extraordinary X-Men, Volume 1: X-Haven Review (Jeff Lemire, Humberto Ramos)


What a complete and utter shitshow!

X-Men hasn’t been good for a while but Jeff Lemire and Humberto Ramos’ Extraordinary X-Men is the lowest it’s been in some time. (Deep breath)...

So the Terrigen Mist is still floating around the world despite it being three years since the Terrigen bomb went off. Three fucking years! Isn’t this a gas - why hasn’t it dissipated already?! 

The Mist turns those with dormant Inhuman genes into Nuhumans with the new added bullshit detail that it’s now sterilizing mutants so they can’t produce new mutants. Forget that the X-Men/endangered species storyline has been done to death in the past with the Legacy Virus and M-Day which shows how ironic the “All-New, All-Different” label is, but mutants procreating was never how mutants were made in the first place - it was always ordinary humans’ kids who turned into mutants when they hit puberty. Unless the Terrigen Mist sterilizes homo sapiens as well there’s no issue with new homo superiors appearing. Marvel has forgotten/betrayed its own fucking mythos! 

Not to mention this takes place eight months after Secret Wars ended for no reason and Cyclops is dead - what?! The adult Cyclops that is - the teen Cyclops is still hanging around. Jaysis, the X-Men’s world is convoluted! Why don’t they tell the story in a linear way so we can see how Cyclops died (not to mention sending the teen Cyclops back to his time)?! But apparently they’re saving that big reveal for the Inhumans v. X-Men story later this year. I can’t wait to not read it! 

The premise is bullshit and the story is just as bad: Mister Sinister is experimenting with mutants again. So, basically the thing Sinister always does. The X-Men wind up somewhere to battle fire-breathing dragons and Ice-Man is dismayed when his snowman army does fuck-all against them. What a genius not figuring out that fire beats ice. “Chill, guys, I got this. Get it? Chill? Gee, tough crowd” - no, Bobby, it’s just the same shit joke you’ve told for the last 50 years. Get some new material or shut the fuck up. And Old Man Logan is in this because why start making sense now? 

Jeff Lemire, man - this guy needs to stop writing superhero comics. He’s so bad at them! Especially X-Men comics where he doesn’t even seem to understand the source material. This book is mind-bogglingly awful. It’s extraordinary alright - extraordinarily shite!

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