Tuesday, 14 March 2017

Titans, Volume 1: The Return of Wally West Review (Dan Abnett, Brett Booth)


ARRRGH!!! WHY, why does (practically) every Rebirth book have to be so bad!? T’ain’t fair I tells ya (sobs)! Oh my god… alright, let’s do it again!

Even though the Teen Titans have been teens for decades at this point, NOW they’re slightly older so as to no longer be teens - they’re just Titans (because Damian Wayne’s leading the new Teen Titans in a separate Rebirth title). Not that the distinction matters as this is basically a Flash book with cameos from the Titans! 

Following on from DC Universe Rebirth #1, pre-New 52 Wally West is back and just as bland as ever. That’s exciting for some people apparently. After reuniting with his teammates, they fight an evil magician called (wait for it) Abra Kadabra. Faceplants all round! Dan Abnett tanked Aquapants Rebirth and now it’s the Titan's turn! 

I defy anyone to tell me the difference between the personalities of Barry Allen Flash and Wally West Flash. They are two sides of the same boring coin. When they’re not being stunningly dull “good” guys saving the world with their teammates, they’re in love with women who’re also journalists. They even say the same corny line: “My name is Barry Allen/Wally West. I’m the fastest man alive”! Drop dead, the pair of you.

Speaking of corny: that storyline. Abra Kadabra the Magician. I mean, really. A professional writer came up with that, guys. This is why people who read non-pitcher books look down on superhero comics and, if they were all like this, I’d say they have a point! Abra Kadabra wants everyone to know his name so he decides to fight the Titans with mirror versions of them. It’s good superhero vs evil superhero, one of the most generic, uninspired, by-the-numbers storylines there are. 

Did someone say generic? I give you Brett Booth’s unmemorable art! Yeah it’s slick but so is diarrhea. And of course this being a Flash story, the finale involves Flash running right quick to save the day. Real original, Dan Abnett, and SO tense and exciting - gosh, I wonder if Flash will be fast enough this time?!?!? The very minor Watchmen mystery references sprinkled throughout were not worth wading through this slop for. 

The Return of Wally West was horrible across the board. That’s it, I’m never reading another Teen Titans or Flash comic again - I think I hate the Flash at this point! Rebirth? More like Afterbirth! Have I made that joke before? Ah, I don’t care, it’s true anyway! Birthing pains… is there a funny there? Are those my brains oozing out of my ears? Good, I wanna die after reading these terrible comics!

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