Monday, 15 June 2015

Pinocchio, Vampire Slayer Volume 1 Review (Van Jensen, Dusty Higgins)

Pinocchio, Vampire Slayer. Seriously? Is this trend still going – fairy tale characters turned “dark”? Even Jane Austen’s been infected with zombies and a historical figure like Abraham Lincoln has been reimagined as a vampire hunter! Shrek, Fables, Manifest Destiny, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Snow White and the Huntsman, Red Riding Hood, Grimm, Wicked, and a zillion other movies/TV shows/books have done this idea to death. Guys: let it die! 

What’s next: Old Mother Hubbard pulling on a Vampirella-type outfit and chasing Dracula? Goldie’s Angels: The Three Bears? Is Tom Thumb going to be re-cast as a booze-sodden noir detective tasked with solving the murder of crack-addicted Humpty Dumpty?

So here’s the bottom of the barrel (but don’t think they’ll stop scraping!): Pinocchio, Vampire Slayer. He tells a lie, his wooden nose grows, he snaps it off – instant stake. He stabby the vampire and poof! Vampire go! Repeat ad nauseam.

What’s the story? With a million dollar idea like the process described above, who needs a story? Just keep showing Pinocchio staking vampires with his broken-off nose over and over! Characters? Didn’t you hear what he does: he tells a lie, his nose grows, etc. – who needs characters or anything worthwhile?! Seeing him repeatedly do that is genius enough!

This book is so stupid, the villains at one point try hanging Pinocchio. Dangling a wooden puppet with rope - isn’t that a marionette? What were they hoping to snap – the neck bones he doesn’t have? Crush the windpipe and lungs he doesn’t have? Idiots!

The nonsense continues: how does Pinocchio rush into a burning building but not go up in flames himself? He’s made of wood!! Also, how does his nose know to stop growing when he’s told a lie? Is it proportional to how big a lie it is? If you tell multiple lies, does it grow further each time? If he tells the truth, does it retract? Ah, who cares! Let’s just say “the wizard did it” and hide under a pile of coats instead!

There are also some shockingly lame “jokes” about Gepetto abusing Pinocchio and being sent to jail and Pinocchio swatting Jiminy Cricket because he’s a talking bug that spooked him so now Jiminy’s a ghost. My sides. They’re. Splitting. Oh but Gepetto forgives Pinocchio for having him sent to jail for abusing a child puppet and we’re supposed to believe they have a very close relationship so the ending is “emotional”. Also: there are laws in this world about touching puppets inappropriately. Van Jensen: you are suck. 

I actually didn’t mind Dusty Higgins’ art but “didn’t mind” is hardly a glowing rec! 

Amazingly, there are more books in this series – yes, this crap is a series! Well, in that case look out for my forthcoming cash-grab, I mean passion project: The Three Little Pigs vs The Old Lady Who Lives in a Shoe: Dawn of Fairyland Garbage. I can imagine the movie now - the Old Lady in a robot suit with glowing eyes: “Do you squeal? You will – ALL THE WAY HOME!” Directed by Hack Snyder.

Pinocchio, Vampire Slayer Volume 1

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