The Absolute books are simply Elseworlds books - familiar characters with a twist set in an alternate universe but still essentially recognisable. Except for Absolute Wonder Woman. This series has so many changes to Wonder Woman that here she is basically an entirely new character - and a worse one at that.
Raised in isolation on the Wild Isle of Hell by Circe, this Wonder Woman wields an anime sword (ie. stupidly giant, more like a massive silver plank), rides a skeletal Pegasus(!) and does magic - lots of magic - while fighting kaiju. You know, that familiar villain of Wonder Woman’s: kaiju! I’m not even gonna call her Wonder Woman because I didn’t see her in this comic - this character is Witch Woman. And she stiiiinks.
And that is all this really, really bad comic is: Witch Woman fights a kaiju for 5 issues - defeating it with black magic - and then goes to Hell where she fights a tiger lady. No, not Cheetah/Barbara Minerva (though she does cameo in this book) because that’d be too Wonder Woman.
Why’s all of that so interesting - especially when you have an invincible character who can overcome any obstacle without even trying; especially when MAGIC figures heavily - that exciting plot element where literally anything you need to happen can happen easily when you need it to? It’s not. It’s incredibly boring.
I haven’t enjoyed the Absolute line so far but the one thing both Scott Snyder and Jason Aaron got right with Batman and Superman was their motivations. I understood why Bruce acts like he does as Batman - because of what happened to his father and why he wouldn’t want to see it happen to others. I understood why Kal acts like he does - protecting working class/exploited people - because his parents, both birth and adopted, are the same kind of people.
But at the end of the first issue of Absolute Wonder Woman, when Diana announces that she will protect Gateway City and humanity from the kaiju, I asked: why? She grew up on an empty island in Hell with a single mother. Why would she care about humanity? Why does she care about Gateway City (terrible name by the by)? She wouldn’t. It’s just something Wonder Woman would say so this garbage version of her says it. Despite their faults, Absolute Batman and Superman’s motivations were convincing - Absolute Witch Woman’s isn’t in the least.
Feeble plotting, bland characterisation, dull writing - it’s a Kelly Thompson comic alright. An idiotic snoozer from start to finish, Witch Woman is absolutely the worst Absolute title I’ve read so far.
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