The Burning Girls by CJ Tudor Review

 CJ Tudor’s The Burning Girls is one of those books that’s loaded up with a lot of stuff that looks like a story but isn’t and what it adds up to is a whole lotta poop! Boring poop. CJ Turd-or. Whahaha! Ah…

Jack Brooks is the new reverend of a small village - but wait, didja think this character is a dude just because they’ve got a dude’s name?! That’s so - logical. No, Jack Brooks is a woman with a pointlessly misleading name because Crap Novel! Anyway she and her generic teenage daughter Flo arrive in generic country village because Crap Novel gotta happen.

Centuries ago some martyrs were burned at the stake and today the braindead locals remember them with dolls. Why’s that important to mention? It’s not! Decades ago a couple of teenagers disappeared without a trace. Why’s that important to mention? It’s not! There’s pointless stuff hidden under the church. Why’s that important to mention? It’s not! There’s a creepy guy making his way to the village from somewhere. Why’s that important to mention? It’s not!

There’s really no story here. Jack bumbles around the village finding out dull things while her even duller daughter gets jiggy with an equally dull village bumpkin called Wrigley. Some intimations of spooky goings on happen - visions of burning girls, for no reason other than Title and pathetic literary jump scares! - and that’s it until the dismal final act.

The motivations of the baddie are feeble and the baddie is aptly named because they’re just bad and the reveal of why Jack was in this remote place was similarly unimpressive. If we don’t care about the characters then these “twits” (I meant to type “twists” but I think I like the typo better so I’m leaving it in) mean nothing. It’s CJ Turdor trying too hard to blow the reader’s mind and only shows how weak a storyteller she is instead.

I started off not really enjoying it and quickly ended up indifferent straight through to the yawntastic finale - I wouldn’t recommend this novel or this writer to anyone. Coming soon to a sleepy Sunday afternoon on ITV, where it’ll be watched by barely-cognisant old dears, it’s The Boring Girls!