Sunday, 13 September 2015
Superman: Doomed Review (Charles, Soule, Greg Pak)
Remember The Death of Superman? I don’t recall what happened in it (prolly nothing important) but alls I know is Superman and this Kryptonian monster called Doomsday fisted each other a lot. So those fresh, radical thinkers at DC put down their empty whiskey bottles and decided “hey, before we get fired, why don’t we do The Death of Superman storyline but for the New 52?” - and so we have Superman: Doomed.
The New 52 Doomsday is apparently a virus or something because when Superman kills him (yeah - that happens. ‘s pretty fucked up, Superman!), he gets his purple DNA spoodge all over him and… he becomes Doomsday? They end up having this Banner/Hulk thing going on, even with the “characters talking inside the head” scenes!
So now Superman’s gotta get Doomsday out of him somehow and then Brainiac invades Earth for no reason. Mongul, Non, Xa-Du and Ghost Soldier emerge from the Phantom Zone for no reason. John Henry Irons/Steel and Cyborg Superman are also in this for that added “War of the Supermen” nostalgia. Oh and Lois is Brainiac’s slave for some reason. Boy, this was a hot mess!
Fuck this book. It’s 500 pages long! Fuck this book. Dick happens for the first 75 pages - it’s just Doomsday smashing stuff. All those pages of nothing and you couldn’t spare one measly page to explain how Lois became Brainiac’s slave?! It takes those geniuses at the Justice League several hundred pages to realise they don’t know what they’re doing - “duh, hows we gonna save Supes, Green Lantern?” “buh, I dunno, Flash. Got any taffy?” “I’ll have some taffy!” “Leeex!” - and it doesn’t matter anyway because Superman just sorta walks it off. Art!
In typical DC bloated event fashion, there are so many issues that are completely pointless. Supergirl is in this book but she does nothing. She gets a boyfriend and replaces a window. She also teams up with Red Hood for no freaking reason. Then after Brainiac and Doomsday are hurriedly brushed aside in an unsatisfying and baffling finale, Superman, Wonder Woman and Swamp Thing battle a plant! What was the point of all that Phantom Zone shite?!
Lois actually turns into Brainiac at certain points - how does “mind control” become “turns green, gets a skin-tight Brainiac suit with glowing implants”? Superman apparently has a tiny S shield on his bare chest (is it a tattoo?). Brainiac’s motivation for being evil is revealed and it suuucks. So corny - is this a Joel Schumacher movie?! I would’ve preferred if he said “I just like collecting cities in jars, ok? I’m cray-cray, har har YOLO!!!” Yeah, you go Brainiac, you lunatic! And why does your ship look like a giant walrus?!
Good things, good things… nope, none to be had in this ‘un! Well, I suppose it’s hard to draw stuff (it is for me anyway - can’t get those weird fish right in the shield) so I’ll give the artists credit for drawing this 500 page stinker - pencilers, inkers, colourists, letterers, I doff my cap to ye!
Scott Lobdell, Tony Bedard, Greg Pak? You’re all as bad as you usually are so carry on - my fault for not researching the hacks on this disaster before reading. Charles Soule though? I expected better from you, dog.
I picked this up for pennies at a recent Comixology sale. That’s the only acceptable reason for reading this: wanting to get my pennies-worth! Don’t pay full price for this poo, don’t even take it out of the library unless you want to deprive a DC fan who really wants to read it - ha, it’s mine for 3 weeks now and I’m only gonna use it to rest my toast on!
This sure was a “doomed” reading experience (rotten tomato just misses me)! Tiny weird S on his chest, what WAS that all about… !