Unruly: The Ridiculous History of England's Kings and Queens by David Mitchell Review

Comedian and actor (to distinguish him from the famous novelist of the same name) David Mitchell writes about the kings and queens of England in his history book, Unruly. Covering the murky days of post-Roman occupation, from when various Anglo-Saxon leaders ruled areas of what will become known as England, vikings periodically stopped off for a barney, and a fictional character called Arthur ruled in a fictional place called Camelot, up to Queen Elizabeth I, because then her successor James I becomes both king of England AND Scotland rather than just England. Which makes it seem like Mitchell focused on rulers only of England but quite a few kings had also been kings of Ireland, and sometimes France, in addition to England up to that point. Hmm.

So is it any good? Eh - not really. I wouldn’t put that squarely on Mitchell though - being bombarded with facts about one rather insignificant ruler after another doesn’t make for that compelling a read, even when presented by a popular entertainer. Especially as, with few exceptions, the kings (and three queens - one of whom, Lady Jane Grey, was on the throne for only 9 days!) merge into an indistinct glob of petty tyrants fighting vaguely over bits of France and “the holy land” when not engaged in other pathetic wars on the continent or squabbling about lineage.

Still, I learned a few rather startling facts. The vikings didn’t have horns on their helmets - that, like the name “viking”, was applied to them by others later on down the line. “Bloody” Mary and Mary, Queen of Scots were two different people (though they were related and lived around the same time). The Battle of Hastings didn’t take place in Hastings but in a place called Battle (the town of Battle was founded afterwards though). Also, the Bayeux Tapestry, a primary source of said battle, is neither French nor a tapestry - technically it’s an English embroidery. Ridiculous indeed.

Less startling things I learned is that Mitchell has a bizarre hatred of Edward the Confessor and a not-so-bizarre hatred of the last Bond film - No Time to Die sucked hard for so many more reasons than the way it ended, which was Mitchell’s biggest complaint. There were also an absurd number of notable women from mediaeval history who were named Aelfgifu (pronounced Elfyfoo? But that would be silly, so probably) which makes trying to keep your facts straight about what was happening during the Elfyfoo era downright impossible.

Mitchell closes out the book with a chapter on Shakespeare (whom he played in the sitcom Upstart Crow), offering up another reason for why he stopped with Liz I: Shakespeare’s dazzling brilliance makes the whole lot of kings and queens seem rather silly. Although that was already the impression I’d gotten from reading the book, which only strengthens my resolve that the subject of kings and queens isn’t something I’ll plan on spending much further time on, or is something I’d recommend others do to begin with.

Although, if you’re after an accessible summary of the kings and queens of England (and Ireland and sometimes France) up to the end of the Tudor line, Unruly is fine. But the subject of ye olde kings and queens is a blind spot for most people for a reason: the subject is repetitive, drearily esoteric and isn’t very interesting or worth knowing.