Spooky box summons spookier demons who wants to suck on souls cos theys spooky demons what sucks on souls! Then soulless victim haunts house of newlyweds - for blood! Ready to get stoopid? Here’s The Spiky Heart Thing!
The Hellbound Heart is the book that the iconic ‘80s horror movie Hellraiser was based on (if you’ve not seen it, you’ve probably seen the image of the dude with spikes in his head). I didn’t like the movie at all but I thought I’d give Clive Barker’s novel a shot as I’ve never read any of them before. And, like his movies, I won’t be rushing to experience another one again soon - The Hellbound Heart is dumb and boring!
Barker is just not a very good storyteller. He doesn’t really explain who or what the Cenobites are - they’re “theologians of the Order of the Gash” (heh) but that’s meaningless twaddle - while the other characters are a parade of one-note, paper-thin cutouts. Frank, the Cenobites’ first victim, just wants to get laid. Rory is a flatline whose wife, Julia, falls out of love with him at the drop of a hat and begins doing what she’s doing for Frank for beyond unconvincing reasons.
And who the hell is Kirsty, the abrupt heroine of the story? At first I thought she was Rory’s sister because he doesn’t seem to be too close to her and Julia doesn’t like her at all. But no, apparently she’s friends with Rory. That’s how poorly set up even the most basic of things is.
Motivations are vague and silly. Frank needs blood to become whole again. So what exactly happened to him after his encounter with the Cenobites? No clue. What does Julia get out of it? No clue. She also manages to find the liveliest pubs in wherever she’s living during the daytime when she selects her victims while that sucker Rory’s at work. And old Rory’s fate couldn’t be more predictable.
The Cenobites are sorta interesting, particularly in that first scene, as are some of the scenes with Julia bringing back victims to the house. Mostly though this is a very badly written and silly haunted house story with an underdeveloped plot and instantly forgettable characters. Even the Cenobites are rendered into generic monster cliches by the end, spouting drivel about tearing souls apart and so on.
Clive Barker is definitely not for me and The Hellbound Heart was amateurish, basic horror nonsense.
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